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Loneliness as lockdown starts to relax

Below is an article featured on the website of the British Association of Counsellors & Psychotherapists about loneliness in post Covid-19 times.

 

https://www.bacp.co.uk/news/news-from-bacp/2021/14-june-loneliness-as-covid-19-restrictions-ease/

 

Friends catching up in the pub for the first in a year; families reuniting after missing each other at Christmas; workmates enjoying seeing each other in person rather than via virtual meetings – the focus of the past few weeks and months has often been about COVID-19 social restrictions easing.

But that doesn’t mean that everyone is benefiting from this increase in socialising.

Lockdown brought a focus on loneliness with thoughts turning to those living alone or unable to see their families or friends because of restrictions.

But for some the increase of socialising may be bringing loneliness into the frame for them for a different reason. It’s more complicated than someone being alone.

Underestimated

Loneliness is an “underestimated” problem, says our member Jennifer Park, a London-based counsellor.

“For some people, there’s the loneliness when we don’t have people calling, when everyone is going out and they are not, “ says Jennifer, a north London based counsellor.

“During lockdown, everyone was in the same situation. But now, as we come out of those restrictions, there are those whose life isn’t changing. They are not going to have that hope and excitement.

“They may have already felt the pressure of loneliness of lockdown. But now that might feel even worse.

“There can be a sense of shame attached to these feelings of loneliness. People are often secretive about them. They can feel empty, alone and unwanted.”

Anxiety

For others their loneliness may be linked to anxiety about socialising again.

Jennifer adds: “This anxiety may emerge out of coming out lockdown. It’s a sense that everyone’s doing better than me. A feeling that I can’t connect in the same way. For some people that might feel like they are standing on the outside, looking in at everyone else. This social anxiety can lead to loneliness too.”

And, of course, there are others who may now be experiencing loneliness relating to something that has happened to them during the pandemic – perhaps the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a decline in their health or something else.

“These people may be facing more isolation and change. They don’t know what comes next. The feeling of being ‘stuck’ can be chronic. There’s loneliness, and there’s isolation.”

Connection

But it’s not just people who are alone, who are lonely.

“People can be in a relationship or live with family and friends, and still feel lonely. They can be with other people – but if they don’t have that connection, there’s still loneliness.”

Feeling lonely can have a negative effect on your mental health and wellbeing. It can be associated with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and stress, research has suggested.

And this brings Jennifer on to talking about therapy.

“We’re wired for human connection. If we don’t have that connection then we can feel lonely. It’s when we’re not being seen or being met.

“The connection in therapy hugely beneficial. It’s how therapy works. It’s all about the client being seen and heard. It’s what we do as therapists.”

As well as the connection, Jennifer describes how she can work with clients to help them come up with strategies that can help combat their loneliness. This is a lot more than just encouraging them to phone someone.

She adds: “Often the loneliness comes from a deeper issue or a response to lifetime experiences.

Root cause

“Everyone has different experiences and sees them through their own lens of life.

“A therapist can help someone get to the root cause of it.”

She also works with clients on the core beliefs they have about themselves.

“Some people may have a core belief that ‘I’m alone’ or ‘I don’t matter’. It’s about awareness of that belief, helping them to change that over time, alleviating that and showing them that connection is available to them.”

Breathing techniques and meditation can sometimes help when the connection the person is missing is actually connection themselves.

“Sometimes people need to be closer to themselves,” she adds, “to discover and connect to themselves too.”

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Families aren’t easy, are they?

You would think they would be, logically, it makes sense, these are YOUR PEOPLE, you grew up with them, they raised you, they love you, you love them, all fairly straightforward you would think… except I find it’s one of THE most common subject matters  in the therapy space.  Why? Because it’s our primary source of relationship.  It’s our safety & security, where we can be seen and soothed, or at least once upon a time, it should have been.  Now as adults, we have to think about how we navigate these relationships, just like we would any other.  What did our families think, feel, do, assume that we also do, or perhaps feel we have to do but don’t want to.  Do you sense disapproval because your partner isn’t from the same background as you? Does your choice of career not align with your parents hopes of you?  Did you leave a religion behind that the family adhere to?  Did you vote a different way to them?  Did you get a tattoo on your face?!  No matter what it is, I bet my bottom dollar that you can think of one thing your family brings up in you (and if you can think of one, I bet you can think of a few more too).  You are not alone yet it feels very frightening to step out of a line, take a stand, honour your own values etc, no matter how independently  you live.  As I see so many clients in my counselling room/zoom who discuss things in this area so I thought I would outline my thoughts to hold in mind when dealing with your family.

Please pop a comment in the section below if any of these resonate with you.

  1.  It’s ok to have a private life –  You don’t have to tell your parents what you do or who you do it with, it’s your business and your life.  Families that are enmeshed often leave you feeling guilty if you haven’t shared everything.  This is why boundaries are talked about so often, they protect you, keep them up.
  2. You don’t need their approval – if you are making decisions or choices like where to live, who to see, what to do based on what you think your family expect then you are not living your own authentic life.  You would be amazed how common this is and that is because at the heart of it lies the fear of rejection.  But you are a grown up now so choose yourself, make the choices that make you happy.  You don’t have to go out of your way to hurt or upset your family and burn all your bridges but you can prioritise the things that are important to you.  Start by asking what it is you want, not them.
  3. Self worth is not family determined – this follows on from the last point and reminds us of the need for boundaries again.  You can now be your own parent, you are an adult, this is what we call Inner Child work.  With kindness, self compassion, self validation you can honour your own self worth.  Be good to you.
  4. You are an individual in a family system – this is called differentiation, it’s not just desirable, it’s critical.  Can you be yourself, honouring your own beliefs, thoughts, ideas & feelings and still feel acceptable in your family?  You are not your parents.  This is a hard one, I am honest about that but celebrate differences, got a right wing anti vaxxer in the family? That is ok!  Conflict in families and indeed in all relationships is normal.  I repeat it is normal.  It’s learning conflict resolution that matters.  Ruptures and repairs.  Breakdowns to breakthroughs.  It’s not feeling coerced to think & feel like someone else does.  There is room for difference.
  5. You are allowed to see your family in small doses – Are you expected to do certain things at certain times? Consider the wider family in your choices regarding your time?  It is allowed to take space, say no, change plans and traditions.  Sounds simple, feels hard so take this as permission.
  6. The model has changed from Parent > Child to Adult > Adult – doesn’t matter how old you are, do you ever get on the phone or in the room with your parent and feel 14 years old again? Or 6?  You are not alone but as the Transactional Analysis model of Parent Adult Child explains, notice your position and the role you find yourself in.  The goal is adult to adult.
  7. Feeling unsafe is always a NO-NO – physical, mental, emotional abuse, stress, pressure of any kind does not have to be tolerated.
  8. Boundaries – I have mentioned these so much because they really are everything so they deserve their own point – have them, hold them, honour them.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Posted with love. x

 

 

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The Invitation – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

This beautiful poem about relationships,  written by  Canadian Counsellor and writer Oriah Mountain Dreamer is an invitation to everyone of us to “show up” in the Universe.  It perfectly reminds us that we don’t serve the Universe by being small.  Rather we serve the Universe by making the most out of our lives and our relationships.

Click here to see the book on Amazon

The Invitation.

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Please comment below on how your feelings about this poem, I would love to know.

Posted with love. x

 

 

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/the-invitation-by-oriah-mountain-dreamer

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How To….Avoid Common Pitfalls in Conscious Committed Relationships & Marriage

“Now the wedding is over the marriage begins”.  A priest at a wedding I attended once.

Such a powerful statement that  struck a chord, so much attention gets poured into the coming together of two people (I refer to marriage here but I also include close, conscious committed relationships of all forms) that it’s understandable and common for many couples to fall foul of  misconceptions and misunderstandings leading to heartache and loss down the line.  To avoid this I wanted to bring to attention some of these issues I  find myself working on in Couple Therapy:

 

  1. The wedding was fabulous so the marriage will be too

Nope.  Weddings are invested in, full of celebration and all about new beginnings and family.  Marriage is much more than that, intimacy, vulnerability, commitment, patience, trust and love.  The sooner you can learn to accept inevitable difficulties and have fun together dealing with them, the longer lasting the marriage has potential to be.

2. Marriage isn’t work

Ideally, your work should be enjoyable enough to not feel like work either, but it probably does quite often.  Hard work is gratifying and pays off.  I always tell my clients, this is not a 50/50 game, it’s a 100/100 game.  It won’t always feel equal or fair but if you both bring 100% the chances of success are high.

3. Marriage will bring us closer

Been together for ages? Maybe marriage will inject some oomph.  No.  Being able to be intimate, vulnerable and committed is what will make it work.  Decide you are in and stay in.

4.  Now you are married you are a “team”. 

This rings the alarm bell of co-dependency.  A slow (you don’t notice it happening) slide down into something that consumes you as an individual.  Marriage doesn’t mean you lose your individuality, it means you learn interdependence.

5.  Trust & security issues will vanish

Nothing will fix those, if you don’t have trust or don’t feel secure, don’t get married.  If you do, you need to face the work needed to repair and establish trust and security, respectively.

6.  You can change them

How they dress, how they spend their time, what they like…. big red flags, if you want them to change then why marry them as they are?  The only change you can ever have control over, is yourself.  The good news is, if you change yourself, you might end up getting what you want.

7.  Your other half is responsible for how you feel

Sad, anxious, depressed? Share with your partner, take support but don’t see it as their role to mend you.  Don’t get cross if they can’t read your mind and know exactly what you need.  Only you know that and if you tell them, they will probably want to be there for you.

8.  Kids will make your relationship better

Ho ho ho.  Seriously, kids are wonderful but it’s not a walk in the park (even though you will do a lot of walking in parks).  Kids will test your marriage to the limit, financially, emotionally, practically.   You become parents to the kids, not to each other.  Remembering the importance of taking care of your relationship  and your intimacy/sex life is key.

9.  You can carry on with your social life 

It will change, it doesn’t have to disappear but it will change.  Particularly after kids.  Avoid resentment by talking about what you need and want, hearing what your partner needs and wants.  Everyone should feel heard.

10.  If it’s not going well it’s doomed to fail

If “not going well” is something you fear facing, it could lead to failure.  If you can,  accept times will be challenging periodically and be prepared to work on it.  See what you have, not what you haven’t.  Be prepared to stick it out (within in safe reasons) as the depth of marriage possible will take time.

 

Posted with love.

credit John Harrison MA,LLC

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How To….. Have A More Conscious Committed Relationship

By understanding your partner more (easier said than done)

“A conscious relationship is one in which people are awake to themselves, their feelings and thoughts and are open to the flow of love and attention with one another” G&K Hendricks – Co-Committed. 

 

Your Partner Doesn’t Have To Be Your Best Friend

It’s such a perfect scenario, your other half is also your best friend…..very lucky if this is you, the best of both worlds BUT if this is not you, don’t fret, they don’t have to be your best friend but over time as you grow you will have a deep friendship and that is a very good thing.

 

Marriage is different to friendship (Marriage meaning close committed partnerships)

The relationship with your spouse/partner is different, close friends are unconditional, marriages are not (believe it or not).

Close friendships do not contain the sacrifices and personal learning that your marriage will bring into your life.

Marriages come with the good and the bad, you are vulnerable with your partner in a way you can’t be with your friends.

Marriage transcends friendship and holds the space for complete intimacy

Close friendships outside the marriage are key as they keep you grounded in who you are, you can share things outside of the relationship that you frankly may not want to tell your partner and are a sign of healthy grounded person leading to a grounded and solid marriage/partnership.

Couple Counselling leads to change and change in relationships is hard

What do couples want?

  • To communicate better
  • To have more intimacy
  • To get back to how it was
  • To stop fighting over the same stuff

Every relationship should fulfill the above, so what stops that from happening?  Often one or both does not want to face the changes being sought.  We all live in an externally focused world, we want our surroundings and the people in it to give us what we want, yet simultaneously, making these changes internally is hard. Below are some reasons why we aren’t getting what we want:

We’re being emotionally reactive – when we’re not triggered we can express our wants, needs and desires from our rational mindset.  Once we try to deal with these things we tend to be triggered and so respond from our emotional brain.

You aren’t really listening to each other – As the other one is talking, you are thinking about how you want to respond.  You can’t improve communication and intimacy if it’s run like a debate at PMQ’s.

You aren’t allowing your partner to change –  If you have asked for changes from your partner, know that you have a responsibility too to support that change.  If, for example, you don’t let them show you their efforts for change but repeatedly bringing up the past due to unresolved anger, hurt or resentment, then you are stuck in a pain cycle, not progressing or growing and ultimately, denying yourself what want.

Ways to help break the cycle and bring about change

Stay in the Adult you.  I often explain to clients the TA (transactional analysis) model of Parent, Adult, Child, notice when talking to your partner which position your are responding from.  Are you being petulant (child) and you criticising your partner (parent) or are you being rational and fair (adult).  Notice when you feel triggered and are not able to respond as an adult…..

Take A Break –  very simple, yet effective, don’t keep hammering at one another until you both say something you regret, take 20 mins to clear your head, think and get out of reactivity.  Essentially, be your own parent in this moment.

Agree to practice reflective listening – As I said earlier, when we are triggered, we are thinking about what’s going on in our own minds, not what’s being said to us. To really hear each other, take turns to listen and reflect back what was said to you, ask your partner, “did I get that right?” “Is there more?” If the answer is no, swap roles and get good at listening.

Attend to emotional pain without reactivity – If there are unresolved emotional issues please give the emotional attention they deserve.  Do NOT express your emotional needs when triggered.  As I said above, this does NOT work.  By improving the way you communicate, learning to listen, you will become less triggered over time, more able to talk without blowing up.  You both deserve to talk and be heard.

This is the hard work part and it is hard work so be kind to yourself and to each other.  Agree to commit to doing things differently.  Remember if you keep doing things like you did, they will be as they always were.  Change means change.

Committed relationships/partnerships/marriages are wonderful, life affirming places of commitment, growth and all the good in between.  Whilst there are many upsides, there are many myths, ‘shoulds’ and misconceptions.

I will outline & explore these in my next post to help avoid common pitfalls and pain further down the road.

Posted with love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Book Review – Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb

‘Maybe You Should Talk To Someone’ is an irresistable, honest, candid and easy-to-read memoir by Lori Gottlieb of her Californian psychotherapy practice from the perspective of clinician and simultaneously as a client.

The book shares a cross section of client stories from a terminally ill cancer victim to a women wishing to take her own life on her next birthday due to the meaninglessness of life to a self absorbed Hollywood producer.  Throughout the book she weaves her own story of personal crisis and subsequent therapeutic journey with her cardigan wearing therapist Wendell.

If you have ever stalked your ex online or googled your therapist desperate to know about them then this book will show you are not alone… this is a funny, wise and hopeful read that will leave you with a fresh understanding on the intimate therapeutic encounter of client and therapist and hopefully give you a greater understanding of yourself and the human condition.

You should read this book if you are thinking about going into therapy, are in therapy, have ever been in a relationship, would like to be in a relationship, have ever loved someone, lost someone or have experienced emotion, it’s well worth it.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space.  In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and freedom”

Come back soon for more recommended reading reviews.

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The Blog Of Life

Hello and welcome to my website, thank you so much for finding me.

I will be updating my site regularly with posts on things to read, thoughts, ideas and information for you from a therapist’s perspective.    Whether care of mental health and the process of therapy new to you or you are interested and want to understand more, I will be providing information regularly to inform you and your interest.

Thanks and I hope you enjoy.

Warmly,

Jen